In the Deep Lyrics

Darker Than You

Definitely darker than you
And not impressed by the best you can do
With a smile
And a gesture
At once dismissed & confessed
And I admit
I’m disarmed by your best.

Sitting in your chair
Like your chest is straining from your spine
Wary of being studied
And inviting the very same
—You’re someone who’s practiced hard
To be confusing.

Everybody needs someone to intercede
It’s like gathering daisies in a desert
Kissing the air beside you
And pretending that I’ve touched down last
But not least.

Finding your thoughts
Crumpled in tunnels dark and abstract
Constructed for thoroughfare
Like the final thing you do
Before you don’t
So I do
—There is something very wrong with you
With the suitcases of you
Shoved under my bed, awake
And clawing at the locks.

But I’m definitely darker than you
And not impressed by
The best you can do
With a smile and a gesture
I am at once dismissed
And confessed
And (I admit) I’m disarmed
By your best.

Words by J. Kelly

Vexed

I should sleep
But I can't, I should leave
But I can't, I should strip the paint
From the room
Close the windows to the blinds
Bind the door with the broom.
Her fingers and her lies
The hauntings that occur in the attics o
Of her eyes...

I don't know how you can be so calm.

I should finish what I start
I should put down the pen
I must write the beginning and
End it again.
Her anger and her wiles
Her clever little games
You watch as she destroys what
She would rather maim.

I don't know how you can be so calm.

One lover to the next
One scorned, another vexed
And the plot that's caught between them
Is unraveling.

I'm sleeping in midair
Terrified of touching down
And scraping ground
Afraid the sound of nervous laughter
And defeat
Will never leave me.
The one who cannot meet herself
In the mirror
Never knowing which image will first
Look away
And which mutation will attach itself
To her face
I stay away.

I don't know how you can be so calm.

One lover to the next
Do you agree to intercede?
Or would you rather oversee?
The plot that's caught between you is
Unraveling.

There's one lover to the next
One scorned, another vexed
And I'm the plot.
That's caught.
Between you.

I don't know how you can be so calm.

Words by J. Kelly

In the Presence of…

You aim to please
In a back door dime store motels
Are too good for you
Kind of way
And me
I don’t give a shit
I have nothing to say about
Your tight alter girl, pervasively persuasive,
Lollypop-licking,
Catholic schoolgirl-sipping
Ways.

You’re a rhapsody in jeans
You’re an orgasm on the verge
You remind me of an absinthe high
You hint of orgies and mirrors
You’re into late night trysts
Naked when you’re clothed and I admit
I really
Really
Want to sleep with you.

So if I aim to please
Will you aim to repeat me?
In a back door dime store motels
Could be too good for me
Kind of way?

And you don’t
You don’t give a shit
You have
Nothing to say
No you don’t
You don’t give a shit
You have nothing to say about
Me.

So I never should have left
And I never should have had
I never should have wanted anything so
Badly.
I never would have followed
I never would have danced
I would not have seduced if you
Had not entranced
I craved
I wasted
I hunted
I starved
I am the stuff that nightmares become
—The echo after the anger has gone.

To Kathryn: 
But light reflects from you
In a very pretty way
And I am not easily distracted
Led victim of the light
There’s a right thing to do
But I can’t see past the light
So now
There’s just
You.

Words by J. Kelly

E~

Sitting here
In the bar again
I’m counting your time and
Drinking my gin
Thinking:  The kind of trouble you’re in
Is not…
It’s not easily solved.

But I look good to you again
So we’ll see
What kind of savior I turn out to be
When it’s all said and done
There’s a bottom of the glass
This place has got to close soon
And when it does…

Call the colors muted
And the smiles
Slipping in and out
—Sincere as the smoke
Tell me your troubles
Once more
Just tell me like only you can
I will take notes
I will bend the truth
I will rearrange the facts
I will mend the spaces
To suit us both and never think to ask
Why you want me

Well, maybe…
Just once.
Blowing bubbles in my drink
In a haze of romantic notions
Foolishly I sip the potion you handed me
Gray magic #5
—It slew the brave and left the rest alive
Why do you want me?
Again and like this?
A gin-soaked first kiss
And a disillusionment that will hit hard
In the morning

There’s a bottom of the glass
This place
Has got to close
And when it does
Out of all those who leave
You will be the last
(You will be the last)
Just after me.

Words by J. Kelly

Proximity

Careful.
Be careful
—In a careless way—
Sharpened kisses
Can go both ways.

Avoidance
But you always find the rhythm
Stepping in and out
Of what you think you want
—Sex.
So sexy like foreplay
Painful
But we’re here regardless

I am here.

This will be a mess
Something wanted so much
Can only happen once
It’s immediate
The onslaught
Of the touch.

Your hand
My waist
My hand
Your face
Nobody saw it coming.
But everybody watched.

Be careful
Of sharpened kisses
And avoid what you think you want
Sexy like foreplay and pain
But I am here
Anyway.

It will be a mess
It will be a mess
It’s a mess
Something I wanted so much
—The onslaught of the touch

Your hand
My waist
My hand
Your face
Nobody saw it coming.
But everybody watched.

Everybody watched.

Words by J. Kelly

Supine

Supine
And scrolled along the floor
A child’s attempt at calligraphy
You are an art form
Beside yourself
And the space parallel
Suits you well.

Brittle and jackknifed
All deepened corners reflect light
And the shadows left after
They want you
They want you...
(Just like I do)
The edges are lucid
With graffiti thoughts
Hands against your swollen mouth
As if
Suffocation
Might entice you
To stay

Stay.

Because you can’t get out.

The seduction swells
And extends
And it knows just how to
Suck
You
In.
Diaphanous
Oh-what-a-trick
Loveward bound to the stars
Entranced by milky lights
&
Trembling Songs

But you won’t stop shaking
No you won’t stop shaking
In my arms.

The emptying smile
Of one who was full
Can only maintain
The mouth
For so long
—An inhalation of light
The windows close
And the candles
Are gone.

Words by J. Kelly

Ultimately, Darling

What am I doing?
What have I done?
Why can’t I stop?

What is this?
With your head on my chest
Your hand in mine
Your skin; my mouth
All of you.

And the lines I told myself
That I would never write
Lest you would hear
And understand
That you’ve no right
To me
And yet here we are
What is this?

What is this?

Don’t tell me that you love her
That you’re going to sleep alone tonight
Don’t tell me that you love her
That you’re going to sleep alone tonight

I cannot have you.

And at the moment when I had
Everything
I lost
Everything
It was a decision that I made
A risk
I had to take
And now
You force me to pay
For what you mistook
To be a mistake.

Don’t!
Don’t!
Do not
Tell me that you love her
That you’re going to sleep alone tonight
Don’t tell me that you love her
That you’re going to sleep alone tonight
I
Cannot have you.

But, then again, neither can she
Or:  You wouldn’t be
Here with me.

Words by J. Kelly

Thin Ice

‘Alice’ is in
And she’s on
I’ve played her
To fill the room
And you
Should know by now
By looking
What I want and what I’m thinking.

When my intent turned and left
For the best
Alone and by the foot of the bed
In your makeshift room
In my makeshift mind
I want from you
What I
Have never asked.

And Tom says, “I must be insane to go
Skating on your name.” *
And I can feel it through and through
My skin is tight
And I’m sorry in advance
For wanting
I’m sorry
But I want
You.

Your fingertips on my shoulders
I am less than half your size
The touch of your chin on my forehead
As we decide
What to do
About the rising problem of the tide
And the pull
And the pain
That takes years
Of practice to deny
But not this time
And in the end
A kiss will undo

Everything.

*A quote from ‘Alice’ by Tom Waits (from his 2002 album, Alice)

Words by J. Kelly

A Priori

Your mistake
—How gravely rendered
And how quietly I complained
Such a strange alchemist you became...

Press your mouth
To mine
Distract me so that I can forget
What you said
—I know you don’t want to talk
And I don’t know what I want
But I know
What I saw
Through the mirror
What I watched
Beneath the glass
What I continued to defend
And ceased
To believe in

Your splintered smile
Your dual intent
That which you pretended and
Never meant

It was your mistake
—How gravely rendered

How quietly I complained
Such a strange alchemist you became
—Mixing love with games.

Your splintered smile
Your dual intent
That which you pretended
And never
Meant.

Words by J. Kelly

Midnight on Monday

I am exhausted
And the winter is already long
I loved what I loved
And I had what I lost
And never
Had at all.
The symmetry’s astounding
And the thing that I’ve learned
—And can’t ignore—
Is that
Everybody leaves at once
--Open a window and they all head for
The door.

These are the killing days
Slowed down
By the rush of routine
You’re here
Then you’re gone
You come back
And I accept
The terms of your return
But I’m wrong to acquiesce
So gently

Before long
You’re rising from the floor
You look at me
As you put on your shoes
So I know you’ll put your coat on too
—There’s the door.

You drink me dry
You accuse me of poison
The rumors have ripened on the vine
And now they’re anybody’s cocktail...
Cheers!
Darling, Cheers!
From what I hear
We’ve really, really done it this time.

You’re everything I’m not
You take the difference out on me
And the sum of two such things
Is apparently
Nothing
We are apparently
Nothing
—Where’s the door?

These are the killing days
Slow me down.

Slow me down.

Words by J. Kelly

The Sum of Us

Strangers who go to bed
And know
The difference
Company occasional
My name on your mouth…

Kissing backwards
Kissing explanations
Kissing excuses
And loose interpretations
Of
The definition
Of
Here and now
Which won’t spell itself out
But you’re here and I’m
Around.

You taste like summer in February
Wine running down the front
Kisses of bitter sugar
—The things I can’t have
And the ways in which I want.

Strangers who go to bed
More often now
And to know the difference
Is paramount
Company occasional is wary
Or wearing
Itself out.

And the kisses that define
Here and now
—I’m around
Less and less of the time
These days
That intertwine
The edges mesh and
Redefine
Still we stand
Against the overflow
As I stand
Against the heat
And the guilt
As guilty pleasure recedes

You’re delicious.

Words by J. Kelly